How to tame a tantrum in 10 steps

OR a 1000.

Gotchya !!
If you are here, I feel ya.
Sometimes I really wish the babies came with instruction manual on what to do when the system backfires (read tantrums).

But no, there isn't a rule book or a how-to manual on what to do when faced with a full blown toddler tantrum. At home, you may have a wide variety of options but when in public these little people know how to push our buttons and even shooting glares at the husband (who would be busy pretending he doesn't know us), doesn't work!


I am usually quite calm when it comes to my little guy but even so, there are days when I am driven to my limits. My usually happy little boy would someday suddenly decide to be adamant on some silly little thing (like taking off his pants in public *eye-roll*), and nothing, I repeat, nothing would convince him otherwise. And then he would proceed to throw a planking tantrum right in the middle of a busy public square on a Sunday (True Story). At this point, I can feel all judgmental eyes on me and hear people's thoughts on how my parenting is flawed. I can feel my ears going red from embarrassment and failure on how I am brought down to my knees by a two year old.

I give myself two choices in such scenarios -

First, be the other tantrum maker and scream at this tiny human being for doing what a two year old does. Yell at him and tell him how his yelling and screaming is wrong because you know, he is making a scene. Tell him off to behave properly while yanking him by his hand trying to get him to stand up. I can tell this kind, loving soul who hugs strangers and awwws at little babies and runs to help anybody who is hurt, that he is a bad boy for embarrassing his parents. I can drag him with a morbid expression on my face while he continues to cry and throw his limbs around to get free. He wouldn't even remember why he was crying in first place but now he would be crying because he is scared. Of me. Of the person who loves him most in this entire world.
Why would he be scared of me? I will tell you why.
One day, just as I was finishing off brushing my teeth and my toddler had been continuously banging on the bathroom door to let him in, I heard something smash and clatter on the floor. I was so mad by then, I screamed like a bear and happened to look up in the mirror. Gosh. I looked horrid. Is that what my kid saw each time I was screaming at him? That scary, frowned-up, angry, unhappy face? It is enough to scare my husband. No wonder it scared my little guy. Seeing the playful, lovable face of his mommy turn into this angry scary mask must be terrifying for a two year old.

Second, be the grown up in the picture. Remind myself that he is the toddler. Let him get his feelings out, which is loosely translated as let him cool down a little bit. Not expect him to behave like an adult and sob silently with a tissue. Let him know he is okay and I am here with him. I can tell him I know he is upset and I understand (even though I don't!). And while ensuring he stays in a safe zone, wait for him to calm down. Smile genuinely. Talk to him. Not try to reason because reasoning with a two year old? You would have better chances taming a dinosaur :D. Just distract him enough to catch his attention on something new. Mine has an attention span of 20 secs. So he is usually easy to distract and redirect. No fake promises or bribes. But rewards on good behavior . And most importantly, not seem to be embarrassed of his behavior. Every time he begins to get difficult, I can remind myself that he is learning. And I am an example right in front of him to follow. I gotta behave just as I expect him to. Keep my voice calm, yet stern. He would soon not even remember why he is crying. I can hold him and let him know he is safe and heard. I can tell him I love him and it makes me sad to see him sad.
It's so hard being calm in this situation but it is also rewarding in the end. 


Now, don't get me wrong here. I have long ago learnt not to categorize any parenting style as right or wrong. For me, it's just my parenting style or your parenting style. What works for one may not work for other. As much as I would like to always make the second choice, some days are just too hard to stay in control. The temper and the tantrums do sometimes push me beyond and before I realize I find self screaming and announcing time outs.

And then, at night when he is fast asleep, I find myself stealing tiny little kisses and whispering sorrys for being hard on him.

Mommying is way too hard and challenging than it looks. We are faced with these choices a hundred times every day. And yet we manage to maintain our sanity. Regardless of how we end up handling their tantrums, we love these mini-humans more than words can tell.

It was his first day at day care

and it seemed like it would never end!


When my son was little..I mean littler, my husband and I would joke about never letting him go out of sight and getting him home-schooled so that I could always be near him. How naive of us.

I am not working at the moment and have the entire day to cater to my little one's needs. We spend all our days in each other's company, merrily and whole-heartedly. But I realized that my now 2 year old little guy needs more than just his mommy. He needs his own circle of friends. Well, apparently toddlers have their own social circle chemistry. Where they babble, baby-talk, laugh, cry and simply have a ball.

Sooo, off we went and enrolled him into a lovely place where all beautiful, 2 to 3 years old balls of fun can rock and roll themselves.
I couldn't sleep the entire night before his first day. Though I knew he would be OK there, it was myself I was quite nervous about. You see, it was not just his first day, it was mine too! Since the day he arrived in my arms from my belly, we haven't been separated for more than a loo-break! And now, he would be there for hours and my heart would either burst with all the nervous thumping or my eyes would swim out of my socket with all those tears. No, I am not being over dramatic. Yes, I know all kids go through this phase. But hey, I am an over emotional mess at the moment.

I cried some happy tears while I sat labeling his belongings with his name, realizing my boy will soon have stories to tell. Double checked everything he needed for the morning and then checked it again. Didn't ease me up on the nervous sighing.

The morning arrives and this boy happily runs to the room full of toys and new things at the day care. I ask him just for the sake of my melting heart - "Do you want mummy to stay, baby?" . "No , No mummy !" . Huh. So much for the bleeding heart *eye-roll* . Toddlers!
But I stayed. Silently observing him from the next room where he couldn't see me, watching him meet new people, new human beings at the eye level and explore his surroundings.

An hour gone and he realized I am not there anymore. He went over to the window overlooking the parking lot and kept asking for his mummy. He cried. Oh Gosh..and I cried! Tears just kept rolling down, knowing I couldn't rush and hold him (for their own good they tell me). One fire truck later, he was okay again and chirping with his new buddies. But now, my trigger was blown. I was drifting towards being that mom who suffers the worse end of separation anxiety. He cried again WHILE playing with his fire engine, which is like his most favorite of all toys, and it occurred to me that may be he feels I have deserted him. May be he thinks mummy is angry and gone! All I wanted to do was to hold him and tell him I am right here. I didn't. It felt terrible and I was already considering myself for the bad mom of the year award. How could I leave my little boy all by himself? How could I watch him cry? How mean of me!

Thankfully, the staff at his daycare is pretty good with toddlers, especially with those on their first days. They would distract him, read him a book, have a game of tag and he would be fine. I thought I was waiting too much to comfort him and should just go in and get him. But then came the snack time. And I saw something amazing. He sat at a table with 5 other mini-humans and actually ate his snack happily while enjoying his time at the table. He NEVER sits still at home. Watching 6 little heads around a table like a board meeting, discussing what  a cantaloupe tastes like, was so incredible. That sight was all I needed to know that I was doing the right thing. He is on his way to build his own social circle. One that doesn't involve me.  And you know what, I cried again. We moms are a volcano of emotions really.

So this crying and happy moments went on for some time and I stood there watching and living everything. Five hours. And they felt like eternity! When I went over to pick him up, he came running to me with little arms outstretched as wide as they could be and all was well in the world again! 
First thing I said to him was - "I was right here all the time ! I will never leave you alone !"
May not always be literally true but that doesn't make it a lie either. 

I know it gets better with time, but the second day comes this week and I am dreading it so very much. I suppose its much more difficult for me than him. And I thought separation anxiety was a phase in toddlers. No one warned me about how it rips apart a mom's heart.

Hopefully, I would do better this time and not cry out a swimming pool. 
Be still my heart - The Battle Has Just Begun.

Mommies get the best breaks. JUST KIDDING!!

Lately, I have been doing a lot of reading at every opportunity I get. By opportunity I mean sneaking to the bathroom with an iPad under my shirt. I have discovered that ALL women are workaholics..and hence, are exhausted, running on fumes and still giving it their all (whatever 'it' may be). When I say workaholics, I don't mean any employment. I refer to simply being occupied in one task or the other be it the job, home, family, etc.

I realize I am one of them too.

When my baby was born, everyone told me it will get easier in 6 months. Those sly foxes!

It never gets easier! It may seem hard and a 24 x 7 on-call duty when your little one is born but let me tell you - this is the most free and relaxed you ever will be from now. Once they start crawling...a whole new definition arrives at household chaos. All your senses will work full time and that is when you may achieve your peak potential of multitasking and not even realize it!
Since I brought this beautiful little person in this world, I have always been on the go. From 3AM wake-ups to 11PM bedtime refusals, from making breakfast for a tiny tummy to checking the diaper a 100 times a day, from tidying the house to re-tidying it again..and I always wonder where the day went! I have noticed (so has my family :D) that I continue like this for at most a couple of weeks and then my bubble bursts and I go from being 'Mary Poppins' to 'Cruella de Vil'  and all hell breaks lose.

It is bound to happen because I push myself too much. I admit it. The excuse is always 'it will take 2 mins to do' for mostly everything. The result is a super tired, cranky, nagging, no-good human being who has all her meal times mixed up and still won't be sleeping a whole night because of a wakey-wakey baby.

One thing that works wonders and is a definite solution to such emotional build-ups is taking a break. Now that's simple. Everyone takes a break, pauses down the rush-hour-life. There are a hundred different ways I can "break" myself free. How hard can it be?? Turns out - VERY.

No one in my family is against time-offs. Infact I have an absolutely wonderful husband who is always encouraging me to take some time for myself. But here's the thing - A mother is the 'Google' of the family. And "if it's something weird or not at all...Who you gonna call?!". Yup.

Husbands are hardwired to never ask for directions when outside the house and ALWAYS ask the whereabouts of something that is right in front of their face. Plus they have a certain ability to never keep anything where it was before use.

The toddler wouldn't even look at you when you are around him but the moment you step out of the room, mommy-radar starts beeping at the top of his voice.

Want the attention of the whole family? Just sit down, look comfy and reach for the TV remote. Within seconds, the baby materializes jumping on your lap, husband comes over asking for his wallet which is right on the table in front of him but is somehow invisible until pointed at and everyone is suddenly hungry!

And if by some miracle, none of this happens, it'll be my own used-to-multitasking self that will contemplate a hundred ways things might go wrong if I wasn't there. Like what if the baby cries and daddy can't soothe him, what if the stove is left on, what will they eat, what if the baby refuses to eat, what if he eats a Lego!, and the list is endless. I might sneak a few glances of my phone every minute to ensure there is no "what if" emergency and be suspicious if nothing comes up too! You see, I have gotten so used to worrying and doing things on my own AND MY WAY that a break (at times) brings on a guilt and an urge to rush back and assume the role.

I strongly recommend - Don't. Don't rush. 

It is tempting to just carry on hustling everyday because "I will do it in a few minutes" but it is also exhausting. Remember that when we are our nagger self, the most we complain about is not getting a few minutes to ourselves. Remember the airplane rule - Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others. Only when the roots are watered, the tree would blossom.

So, take a break.

Now I don't mean go all revolutionary, ditch the chores and don't let anyone disturb you. I mean take a break from the urge of doing everything by yourself. Don't let the "it's my way or the highway" control you. Let the house be messed up today and the beds unmade.Take 5 mins longer in that shower. Of-course, there won't be any stopping the baby banging the bathroom door or the hubby asking every minute when will you come out. Take a break from coming up with a response. Order-in the dinner or let your husband show his culinary skills. Try not to chalk out a list of instructions (we do that, it's a women thing :D). And if you have one of those can't-cook-if-the-world-was-ending husbands, make him a khichdi. Resist the tadka. Spend a minute longer in front of the mirror, dress up, doll up and go out. Take a walk or hang out with your girlfriends. Choose to let any negative vibe bounce off you today. Keep that frown in check. A break doesn't have to be 5 mins, an hour, a day or a week long. Just long enough to rejuvenate and revitalize whatever makes you YOU. Just a time off from reacting to everything that happens around you, a time for just thinking about your favorite things, a time to just let everything be.

I say this like I do all of it. Of course not- as much as I'd like to, it is in no way easy. I may pull one or at most two of the above said in one day and I feel good!  If you are anything like me, a break would look like sporting my most comfy pajamas (practically my fashion statement for the past year), being couch-installed and trying to get past the prologue of a book I have been trying to read for the past 2 months. If I get past 15 mins of this without the toddler snatching the said book and ripping it apart, or throwing the remote in my face or his daddy asking (for the 10th time) where is the coffee mug that he bought and kept on the top shelf *eye roll* ...I will gladly, and somewhat suspiciously, consider it a break.

And while I try my luck at this, I am aware soon my little one would be a preschooler and his dad busy at work and my afternoons might be a bit too quiet for my liking. We mommies are a weird specimen of contradictory human emotions :D

PS.- Don't ever confuse a family vacation with a break. I did. Big Mistake. :D

Just had my baby and I felt..

Lonely.

No, before your thoughts wander let me clear that nothing had gone wrong. I had an emergency c-section and had given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. It was just me waking up post surgery, in an empty room and under the effect of pain-killers which aside from doing their job, were also making me all emotionally unstable.

My husband had just stepped out of the room for a few minutes when I woke up. First thought I had when I came to my senses was to try and feel the wriggle in my tummy. One caused by my baby doing somersaults when he inhabited it. There was nothing except my now squished 'paunch' felt like a big ball of jell-o. That's EXACTLY when I began to cry. I was sad. And alone. And angry. And of course, not in the right state of mind. I did not understand why I felt so. I ought to be happy and full of all those joyful emotions a new mom feels. Instead I felt like I lost a trophy and everything was unfair in the world. Sigh.

I didn't understand then why I felt differently. It wasn't until a few weeks later that an incident made me realize what caused it. I had not slept in weeks and the baby needed nursing round the clock and I was just too tired to take any more. My mother-in-law was with me helping around the house. She offered to take Jamie, my boy, with her for a few days so I can recover...that did it. That's exactly what made me feel sad, angry and what not post-delivery. No, not my mother-in-law! She is a true gem honestly. No, it was how possessive I was (and still am) of my baby boy. Thinking about my baby being with someone else..that made me realize..

I realized that when I woke up in the hospital room all alone , with an empty pouch of a tummy, I had to share. I had to share my precious baby boy with everyone else ! He wasn't just mine now and those little secret conversations, those little flips and hidden jokes we had over the past nine months were now open to all. It wasn't our secret anymore. I wasn't ready to share,not even with his dad. I wanted him all for myself. Selfish, yes. I blame it on the medication ! Also, it didn't help that I was the last one to hold my new born baby. All my family and friends had already introduced themselves to him and I was the last ! I felt so miserable and yet I couldn't express it. Mainly because I wasn't sure why I was feeling all that ,and also because it was nobody's fault. Emotional mess (that lasted a few sore days)..

It wasn't until a half hour later that I got to hold my boy in my arms. He was crying when they handed him to me and I whispered his name and he went quiet. Everyone went quiet.
He recognized me and I fell in love.

I must add here this was all me going through a strange mix of emotions. I couldn't have made it a single day without the unconditional care of my family and friends.. I was really a ticking bomb waiting to blow up any second but they stayed (must have really scaled on their patience tests :D )!