It was his first day at day care

and it seemed like it would never end!


When my son was little..I mean littler, my husband and I would joke about never letting him go out of sight and getting him home-schooled so that I could always be near him. How naive of us.

I am not working at the moment and have the entire day to cater to my little one's needs. We spend all our days in each other's company, merrily and whole-heartedly. But I realized that my now 2 year old little guy needs more than just his mommy. He needs his own circle of friends. Well, apparently toddlers have their own social circle chemistry. Where they babble, baby-talk, laugh, cry and simply have a ball.

Sooo, off we went and enrolled him into a lovely place where all beautiful, 2 to 3 years old balls of fun can rock and roll themselves.
I couldn't sleep the entire night before his first day. Though I knew he would be OK there, it was myself I was quite nervous about. You see, it was not just his first day, it was mine too! Since the day he arrived in my arms from my belly, we haven't been separated for more than a loo-break! And now, he would be there for hours and my heart would either burst with all the nervous thumping or my eyes would swim out of my socket with all those tears. No, I am not being over dramatic. Yes, I know all kids go through this phase. But hey, I am an over emotional mess at the moment.

I cried some happy tears while I sat labeling his belongings with his name, realizing my boy will soon have stories to tell. Double checked everything he needed for the morning and then checked it again. Didn't ease me up on the nervous sighing.

The morning arrives and this boy happily runs to the room full of toys and new things at the day care. I ask him just for the sake of my melting heart - "Do you want mummy to stay, baby?" . "No , No mummy !" . Huh. So much for the bleeding heart *eye-roll* . Toddlers!
But I stayed. Silently observing him from the next room where he couldn't see me, watching him meet new people, new human beings at the eye level and explore his surroundings.

An hour gone and he realized I am not there anymore. He went over to the window overlooking the parking lot and kept asking for his mummy. He cried. Oh Gosh..and I cried! Tears just kept rolling down, knowing I couldn't rush and hold him (for their own good they tell me). One fire truck later, he was okay again and chirping with his new buddies. But now, my trigger was blown. I was drifting towards being that mom who suffers the worse end of separation anxiety. He cried again WHILE playing with his fire engine, which is like his most favorite of all toys, and it occurred to me that may be he feels I have deserted him. May be he thinks mummy is angry and gone! All I wanted to do was to hold him and tell him I am right here. I didn't. It felt terrible and I was already considering myself for the bad mom of the year award. How could I leave my little boy all by himself? How could I watch him cry? How mean of me!

Thankfully, the staff at his daycare is pretty good with toddlers, especially with those on their first days. They would distract him, read him a book, have a game of tag and he would be fine. I thought I was waiting too much to comfort him and should just go in and get him. But then came the snack time. And I saw something amazing. He sat at a table with 5 other mini-humans and actually ate his snack happily while enjoying his time at the table. He NEVER sits still at home. Watching 6 little heads around a table like a board meeting, discussing what  a cantaloupe tastes like, was so incredible. That sight was all I needed to know that I was doing the right thing. He is on his way to build his own social circle. One that doesn't involve me.  And you know what, I cried again. We moms are a volcano of emotions really.

So this crying and happy moments went on for some time and I stood there watching and living everything. Five hours. And they felt like eternity! When I went over to pick him up, he came running to me with little arms outstretched as wide as they could be and all was well in the world again! 
First thing I said to him was - "I was right here all the time ! I will never leave you alone !"
May not always be literally true but that doesn't make it a lie either. 

I know it gets better with time, but the second day comes this week and I am dreading it so very much. I suppose its much more difficult for me than him. And I thought separation anxiety was a phase in toddlers. No one warned me about how it rips apart a mom's heart.

Hopefully, I would do better this time and not cry out a swimming pool. 
Be still my heart - The Battle Has Just Begun.

In the loving memory of Sleep..

And using the bathroom alone..

And showering on time or showering at all !

And the day-offs, nightlife, hangovers, and just the usual sanity of life..

And many other daily activities that I took for granted before I had a baby. You can read a thousand books and attend a hundred classes but nothing can prepare you for what comes with a baby than the baby itself.
I went from sleeping 12 -15 hours a day (peak pregnancy bliss rest-hours) to 12-15 min naps every two hours or so. If anything contributed to my postpartum moodiness, that did. Clearly my baby wasn't the one to abide by "sleep like a baby" saying. Sleep like a Baby. WHAT A JOKE !

They are the worst sleepers awake on a creak of the door, or sound of retreating tired feet on a carpeted floor or even a slight whisper not louder than a breathe! Infact I have a suspicious inkling that the one who invented the said saying never had a baby or was referring to someone named "Baby" who had lost it on sleeping pills.

There is also an advice that is passed around a lot - Sleep when the baby sleeps.
I would if I had magical house elves around the house. I don't. Brushing teeth, showering, using the loo, cleaning the house, sorting the laundry, cooking and then eating breakfast, lunch or dinner (time loses meaning when you are on snooze mode for baby alarm)..things one would usually spend an entire day doing would now require to be done in 30 mins. And when you would actually sit down, put your feet up to follow on that advice..poof ! Time's up.

Now, it wasn't always like this, There were some rare occasions when I would successfully tuck in the baby for a nap and sneak out to the bathroom for a long awaited shower/bath. Run the water, 10 seconds in, I could hear the baby crying. Rush upto him and ofcourse, he is still calmly sleeping all snuggled up. Restart the cleansing and I could swear I hear him again! I would stand still concentrating, making sure that is exactly what I hear. 2 seconds later, halfway through my shampoo, I would again be running to my still peacefully asleep baby. This happened EVERY SINGLE TIME I went to use the bathroom. I called them 'phantom' baby cries. The irony is you can't ignore them because the one you ignore, mostly turned out to be the actual baby war-cry.

This paranoia is not of my making because now, 22 months down the line, not just me but everyone else who knows us admits that my little one is a real bad sleeper. I mean even now if he has been sleeping for four hours on a stretch, I get nervous and rush over to check on him. Once I overcome my initial shock of him actually sleeping soundly, I make a mental note of what is working for me - the ambiance, the temp ,white noise, etc. Ofcourse the same thing never works twice.

You know what, it's easier to make plans and create ideas around what kinda parent you would become, but its only when it actually happens that the complete significance of 'desperate time desperate measures' is understood. Like that time when you have been holding your pee in the anticipation that your cluster-feeding baby would let go of you for one tiny moment but he hasn't in the past couple of hours. And you then rush to the loo with that baby still latched onto you hanging for his dear life. YUP, sat on that seat with a nursing baby. Quite a few times.
Or dragging the entire crib to the bathroom to ensure the phantom cries don't bother you or also sometimes so the baby can see you. I tell you, these little human beings make the best trackers. Won't let you out of their sight.
Or when the baby won't sleep anywhere but on you. So they get used as tiny tables for lunch plates or books. Desperate time desperate measures.
The sacred-sanctum-me-zone that used to be the washroom, is now a forced-shared utility space where you always have a little person as an audience. It's either that or discovering how a fully baby-proofed house can be brought down to pieces by a 10-months old in about 30secs.

To be honest, I am not proud about the aforementioned, but it did give me a reality check.  It is not always easy or organised or ideal being a parent, but it has shown me what I am capable of achieving while functioning on a 4 hour sleep and meals that are mostly baby-food leftovers!
I am often told that this will not last forever and am certain it is true. Our little ones grow so fast and the time just slips by. But us..parents? Once a parent, always a parent. No matter how grown up my boy gets, I know I will never stop caring about him, losing sleep over him or making sure he still has a good night's sleep. There are and will be countless sleepless nights, meaningless tantrums and just the general whining. Nothing that the unconditional love that comes with it (and a glass of wine!) can't overcome.

Being a parent is the hardest and the happiest part of my life.